I always listen to everyone’s fairy tale story with a happy ending. I think to myself: I’ll have that, one day. That day just isn’t coming. We got engaged because it was convenient, not because he was so madly in love with me that he wanted me as his wife. When that ring went on my finger, he was afraid to say the word marriage. He often jokes about it being a cuss word, probably because it still shakes him up. Its okay, but I want someone who is happy about what is going on and can get excited or at least listen to my wedding planning adventures without a sour face. I want to set a wedding date and have him look forward to it as much as I do. I want him to want it the way I want it. Its sad, but I don’t see this happening. There are days that I don’t even think wants me anymore. I miss the “us” we used to be. I ruined everything the first time around and the second time is too hard to handle sometimes. I am in love with him, but the fighting to prove that is killing me. I just want to love and be loved. I want the fairytale story with a happy ending. I have the engagement ring that provokes the “tell me everything…” story. There is nothing to tell. I once gave it back because I fucked up. I never got the down-on-one-knee proposal that makes a girls heart melt. I picked it up from the jewelry store when it got in from being sized and have had it on since. I am ruined, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I just want to get out of my head and away from my life. I need that happy ending or at least the beginning of the end to be somewhat happy! This isn’t the end of my rant, but I can’t take much more of myself to keep going.