Nap time with the lovelies. (Taken with instagram)
Sunset at the lighthouse. (Taken with instagram)
A boy with a green Mohawk. Not just any boy, but MY boy. (Taken with instagram)
I have been extremely stressed lately. I always feel anxious and it is becoming more difficult for me to focus on simple tasks, to relax at the end of a long day, or just function. I’m a complete mess. If I start one task, I usually get side tracked and end up all over the place. At the end of a busy day, I can’t relax. I either keep going or crash. There is no in between. I’m losing it.
It seems like every family member has an issue that is affecting me. I can’t take it. My grandmother has dementia and she is getting worse each day. I am ready to scream. It’s not her fault, but I still don’t know how to cope with it. My dad had a motorcycle accident last year that put him our for months. He recently reinjured his knee and now requires surgery. It is a same day simple procedure, but it will put him out of commission to help with gram. Awesome.
On a positive note, the semester is almost over. I also started a new job. And, a few times a week I try to walk or bicycle with my cousin. This has been a wonderful thing. Also, Jason and I are doing great. That boy loves me more than words can describe. He has been amazing through everything.
I need more good in my life. I need positive, happy people. I need someone who can help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
That is all. Thanks.
Two rats. (Taken with instagram)
A rat and a tail! (Taken with instagram)
I have the key to Jason’s heart and a matching tattoo over my heart! (Taken with instagram)
Hanging around in my new camo sweats and ugly loafer looking slippers getting ready to primer a bathroom. (Taken with instagram)
What a mug! (Taken with instagram)
So, Jason and I are looking for an apartment. We plan on getting married next year, but we are still living with my dad. Regardless of the wedding bit, we still would like to move. Jason, however, does not want to get married if we are still living with my father. Its a big mess. We think we’ve found a nice apartment in Heislerville. Unforutnately, the current residents are not moving out until the middle of October. We may not find out for a while if we get the place or if we don’t get the place. I would really like it. It is in a nice area. I am just going to keep my fingers crossed! :)
Last night we laid in bed and made out. Felt so good. I love this man more than life itself.
We have never been apart more this long. Never slept im separate beds. Two years of this man everyday isnt enough. I feel like a part of me is missing. I just want him home to hold me through this storm. I can occupy my mind, but only for so long. There comes a time when all is quiet and all I think about is him. I miss him.
There is so much that has been going on. It is unreal. I want to post something on a daily basis, but I cannot seem to get two minutes to myself. By the time I sit down, I close my eyes and pass out on the couch. I have been transferred to a different store after I was fired. It is working out great, but the drive is killing me. I drive a half hour each direction but I was promoted. I am close to finishing a summer course. After that, I have two weeks vacation from school. Its better than nothing. This next semester is going to be hell, but I will make it. I need to post something a little more structured when my brain is fully functioning.
I always listen to everyone’s fairy tale story with a happy ending. I think to myself: I’ll have that, one day. That day just isn’t coming. We got engaged because it was convenient, not because he was so madly in love with me that he wanted me as his wife. When that ring went on my finger, he was afraid to say the word marriage. He often jokes about it being a cuss word, probably because it still shakes him up. Its okay, but I want someone who is happy about what is going on and can get excited or at least listen to my wedding planning adventures without a sour face. I want to set a wedding date and have him look forward to it as much as I do. I want him to want it the way I want it. Its sad, but I don’t see this happening. There are days that I don’t even think wants me anymore. I miss the “us” we used to be. I ruined everything the first time around and the second time is too hard to handle sometimes. I am in love with him, but the fighting to prove that is killing me. I just want to love and be loved. I want the fairytale story with a happy ending. I have the engagement ring that provokes the “tell me everything…” story. There is nothing to tell. I once gave it back because I fucked up. I never got the down-on-one-knee proposal that makes a girls heart melt. I picked it up from the jewelry store when it got in from being sized and have had it on since. I am ruined, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I just want to get out of my head and away from my life. I need that happy ending or at least the beginning of the end to be somewhat happy! This isn’t the end of my rant, but I can’t take much more of myself to keep going.
This is my 300th post! Exciting stuff right here. Oddly enough, it is one of the most awesome topics: my wedding. I am so excited that I can actually say “MY wedding” so naturally. I have been doing a little wedding planning lately. I need to get ahead of things so I can let myself get lost in classes and such throughout the next 17 months. Jason and I are getting married on October 13, 2012. Just a month ago, it was exactly 18 months. Tomorrow will mark the 17 month mark. Its amazing how quickly time flies. Not to mention, I have been planning this thing for the past month on a daily basis and still have not figured out everything I need. I started an excel workbook to keep track of things. I have it all mapped out. The venue we have selected is the Centerton Country Club, which is nearby. We are able to do the reception and ceremony there. The ceremony is an additional $400 to the cost of the reception. The reception is $110 a head (roughly), plus 18% gratuity and 7% state sales tax. This seems like a lot, but they include everything - four appetizer stations, french plated dinners, the wedding cake, floral centerpieces, ice cream sundae bar, cakes and pies, open bar for 5 1/2 hours, ice sculpture, etc. We need a DJ and photographer for the reception. The ceremony I need a bit more for, but that is being worked out. I am looking to have 80 people, no more than 100. I figured, if we want to have a large celebration, maybe we should do a bbq or something the following year. I want the wedding to be a bit more intimate. I go on Friday of next week to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses. They quite possibly may both be Alfred Angelo dresses. I love the look of a few dresses. I need to see how they will fit me and then work on losing weight over the next year. I have a few target areas. Jason cant stand wedding talk every night of the week, so I have toned it down and put everything into the excel spreadsheets. It looks as though his mother and step father may kick us $5000 and my mom wants to help with another $5000. I dont know if either will come through or if Jason will let them. Either way, I am making an appointment to visit the Centerton sometime this summer so we can get a view of the place. I will make taste testing dates closer to the wedding and get an idea of their timeline. I have everything mapped out in my head. Just need a little guidance. This is also great because I have the ability to take my time, so I wont need a wedding planner. Also, I can work on school work when necessary or go to work without having to worry about missing out on something important. I am in complete control. I can start ordering things now that arent going to be personalized with our wedding date. I dont want to order hundreds of dollars worth of personalized items and have to move the date. I am excited. I will try to post something on here occasionally about the wedding plans. Maybe I can give a sneak peak at the top three dresses I chose or something to that extent. I have my wedding band picked out and my colors and all kinds of little details. Its the larger picture. Gosh, you would think I was getting married within the year. I guess its every girls dream and I’m going all out with my plans!