February 2012
5 posts
September 2011
1 post
So, Jason and I are looking for an apartment. We plan on getting married next year, but we are still living with my dad. Regardless of the wedding bit, we still would like to move. Jason, however, does not want to get married if we are still living with my father. Its a big mess. We think we’ve found a nice apartment in Heislerville. Unforutnately, the current residents are not moving out...
August 2011
3 posts
Last night we laid in bed and made out. Felt so good. I love this man more than life itself.
We have never been apart more this long. Never slept im separate beds. Two years of this man everyday isnt enough. I feel like a part of me is missing. I just want him home to hold me through this storm. I can occupy my mind, but only for so long. There comes a time when all is quiet and all I think about is him. I miss him.
There is so much that has been going on. It is unreal. I want to post something on a daily basis, but I cannot seem to get two minutes to myself. By the time I sit down, I close my eyes and pass out on the couch. I have been transferred to a different store after I was fired. It is working out great, but the drive is killing me. I drive a half hour each direction but I was promoted. I am close to...
June 2011
1 post
I always listen to everyone’s fairy tale story with a happy ending. I think to myself: I’ll have that, one day. That day just isn’t coming. We got engaged because it was convenient, not because he was so madly in love with me that he wanted me as his wife. When that ring went on my finger, he was afraid to say the word marriage. He often jokes about it being a cuss word, probably...
May 2011
3 posts
This is my 300th post! Exciting stuff right here. Oddly enough, it is one of the most awesome topics: my wedding. I am so excited that I can actually say “MY wedding” so naturally. I have been doing a little wedding planning lately. I need to get ahead of things so I can let myself get lost in classes and such throughout the next 17 months. Jason and I are getting married on October...
March 2011
6 posts
I am beyond stressed. Gram in the hospital for the weekend and now rehab. Dad had a motorcycle accident this morning
I am almost caught up in my homework. Then the next step is to get ahead. I am super excited. I am one assignment away from being caught up. I feel that by the end of the week I can be ahead. I only have a shitload of assignments to catch up on. Its okay though. I CAN DO THIS!
I have been lacking motivation for two days now. Yesterday it took me til well after three o’clock in the afternoon to get up an off my ass. Today is almost a repeat. I need to get out of the house a lot earlier today, but its a struggle. I have things to do. I guess this is what its like to be on Spring Break without a job. Ha. I can do a little substituting tomorrow and Friday. I have...
Why did the girl sit and cry all day? Because she had to file for unemployment.
I am going to keep it real… I got fired for some bullshit. I cant fight it. Its not worth it. I’m really just not welcome anymore at my job. So I am going to gracefully walk away. Unfortunately, there aren’t many jobs available in my area. So, I am forced to file for unemployment so we dont lose...
I never had a grandfather. Not on my mom or dad’s side. Its okay. You cant miss something you never had. I dont know where my grandfather on my mom’s side is buried or what have you. My grandfather on my dad’s side is buried in a local cemetery. I just found his grave site last year. I was 22 when I finally started to look into these things. He wasn’t talked about much by...
This feels like the single life. I am home alone on a Thursday night. I got done work an hour late and expected to come home to my loving man. Nope. He was still working. He didn’t get done for another half hour or better and travels forty minutes home. This is crazy seeings how I got done work a little after nine o’clock at night. He works at the shore doing construction and bullshit...
February 2011
2 posts
Marriage
Lately I have been pushing the issue of marriage with Jason. Its hard to pinpoint why. I just have. I think part of it is that we have lived together forever and we co-own or possess almost everything. Also, marriage is permanent and would solidify our relationship. Its like, if we are married I can’t lose him. I was reading someones facebook status about her fiance who passed away six...
I think i mighy be able to keep up with my blogging now that I have a phone that can keep up with me. I have internet access and cool apps thanks to my droid incredible. just forgive the capilization and spelling errors til my fingers get use to the touch screen keyboard.
January 2011
2 posts
today was going to be a good day; i was going to get things accomplished and make some good progress towards the weekend; instead, i am stuck in the house waiting around; why you may ask…; because i have managed to lose the key to the car. i have held onto it for quite some time now; and all of a sudden, it is missing; i have misplaced it many of times, sure…; but to truly lose it,...
typically I have one day to myself, well the first half of the day. this is typically a saturday from the time i wake up until 4 or 5 pm. it is nice to have “me time”, but today i am just a loaf. i would have to say that at least half the time i just lounge around. i cant think of anything else to do with myself. i clean the house and get things in order, but until school starts...
December 2010
3 posts
came home to a cold dinner and a lover that was in and out of his sleepy daze; i waited and waited before i just went ahead and skipped straight to my shower; i got out thinking we would eat dinner together. by then, he was down for the night. come to find out, he had already eaten. i heated up a plate in the microwave and called it a night. i still cant bring my self to laying down in a bed i...
I dont really post on here that much anymore. I dont know if anyone from my area really follows me and I cant really afford to offend people publicly. I have done enough damage in the past year in my day to day life, that i dont need to do it on here too. Spoken words are often forgotten, written words are not. I am sure many people can understand this. I wish I had a true escape for what is...
So today I am supposed to get Christmas pictures with my sister and my love. Well, my love had to work a half day. That kinda bummed me out. Now, I am going with just my sister. I am not complaining, but I was really looking forward to going with him too. It would have made me happy. Now, I have to get ready and my head isnt on straight. I miss him. Seriously. Just want him to come home and go...
October 2010
1 post
I registered with this program called “sub finder” on Monday night so I could start substituting. Since then„ I have worked three days (including today). I could have worked all four, but I was new to the system and didnt know how to work things. I am really enjoying my job and things that I get to do. Today will be my second day in the same classroom. I am really enjoying it....
September 2010
2 posts
i know this sounds a bit childish, but i am alone tonight; jason decided to go lay down while my dad was here; i dont know if it was his intention to sleep this long, but now i cant get him up; instead, he just talks in his sleep and acts like he is listening to me; its a typical jason thing; lol; him sleeping leaves me alone; i miss him while he is sleeping; i dont want to eat dinner, i barely...
August 2010
6 posts
i wish my life were more than it is. the heartache and pain, sleepless nights, etc. i cant forget the happiness, but sometimes it is so hidden that i could scream. seriously. that night was one of the roughest in a while and quite honestly, i am anticipating one hell of a morning because of it. i’m getting ready to go work nine hours. fml. i’ll make it. i am a tough cookie. i just need...
i’m not the silent type; truly i’m not. it just so happens that i’ve been awake for a few hours and there is complete silence throughout the apartment. all i can here is the clicking of keys on my laptop and the occassional ringtone of a text message or phone call. the tv is muted and there is no music. the air conditioner is running in the backround. thats very odd for me. might...
So I was trying to be clever and think of some ideas of what to do tomorrow for our one year anniversary. I came up with the great idea to go to a very dear friends viewing. Suck ass. He was a great kid, but its one hell of a way to celebrate one year. Jason and I originally planned on celebrating on Saturday, which is what we shall end up doing, but I wanted something special on the day of. I...
i hate the feeling i have at night when i cant go to bed; there is just too much on my mind; it might be a little worse in the morning when i’m trying to sleep in just a little so my night can be just a little longer; in the morning i cant shut my mind off and i think about so much random shit; i cant get it to stop; i fight it and i fight it and i fight it; when i finally wake up, i am...
its saturday morning for another 33 minutes; jason and i are both off today; unfortunately, the whole sleeping in til noon and cuddling with each other was out of the picture; throughout the week, we both get up quite early; on the weekends, we get up earlier than we have to; we were both up with two feet on the floor around nine this morning; crazy; we used to sleep in til noon, jason could...
wanna know the truth… the truth is that i’m not okay; i put on that happy face and fake smile to make everything seem okay; i come home and lose it; i cry often; my world is falling apart around me; i cant afford my tuition this semester; i was finally accepted to the college of my choice and in the program of my choice and have to forfeit the spot; i cant even substitute this year...
July 2010
16 posts
i might be able to afford this semester; wish me luck; i’m going crazy thinking about the difficulties and challenges ahead; for now, i will settle for a shower and a clean house; ha, or just a shower; :)
there is this one thing he cant let go; he brought it up again last night; it has been over a month since it was first discussed; i thought he was in the process of letting it go; i guess i was wrong; it was brought to my attention that he dwells on it often; could there be trust in the future, any sense of forgiveness, can we move on?; this was a devastating blow, i understand that, but at what...
its almost ten o’clock at night; jason has never come home this late; a few hours after work is cool; much later never happened; its fucking crazy; i miss him; i am more concerned than anything; hope he is okay; just want him home, safe; i need lovin; :(
today i will actually be able to finish my paperwork; if all else fails, at least i tried; he said he couldnt live with himself if he seriously let me down this bad; i hope to hell this fixes our problems because he has never let me down before; i couldnt let him feel that way;
i’m actually not going to cry the day away; my body aches too bad to cry on top of it; not to mention, he is...
i thought today would be a day full of chores and pure torture; jason really wanted to take a ride in the truck, i really wanted to visit with fam, and i think we both wanted to go swimming; now, we are doing all of the above; i couldn’t have asked for a better ending to the day; anyways. i gotta get ready to go swim;
last night i took a look through the courses that i was supposed to be taking this first semester; i am looking at possibly only two courses; two; that hurts me more than anything; if it was for the fact that it is like $1200+ per course, then i would try to foot the bill myself; beings that it is due in two weeks makes it harder on me; i might call my bank on monday and see what i can do; i am...
you are the only man i thought would never hurt me; i was wrong; more so, i am hurt beyond words; you held the greatest responsibility with such disregard; my future depends on your every action; this isnt the first go-round; you should have known what to expect; instead, you turned your head as if things had changed; now i sit with tears streaming down my face figuring how to spend the next 365...
i got some of our furniture in the house finally; i havent had much time to organize it; i have shit everywhere; its like i go to work and come home, eat, and sleep; ugh; its the end of the world and i cant get my house cleaned;
in other words… jason loves the fact that the truck is on the road; it needs a little work, and that is just ok; he makes it a point to take the truck out every...
i cant and wont tell you what to do or how to live your life; its your to live; you ask me if its okay to do this or that or go here or there; i’m always going to say yes; most of the time i dont want to go and wont go, but will encourage you; there are plenty of times where i just want you with me; there may even be a need to have you by my side; i’m weak and often broken; when you...
i’ve gone from daughter to slave worker; i’ve gone from feeling like daddys little girl to daddys little letdown; no matter how much i try to walk in his shoes and be like him, my feet will never be big enough and i will always miss something; even if it is only something small and insignificant to me, it will always be something large and most important to him; these are the reasons i...
he didnt go out last night; but that doesnt mean he didnt want to; he said he could tell when i got mad and last night was definitly it; he didnt want to leave me alone in an empty house; i still went to bed alone; i still felt miserable; and part of him is going to resent me for not letting him go out; it was a bad night through and through; hopefully tonight is different; i mean he doesnt have...
hes not going; instead he is on the couch watching tv; i still dont think he is going to bed with me; i have been having real restless nights lately and i think that is part of the reason; i just wish things were different; seriously; i think he is mad at me because i spoke my mind; this is going to be one suck ass night; oh did i forget to mention that i forogt to eat dinner; i have no money for...
we both have to get up at 5 in the morning. we both have a long day of work ahead of us tomorrow and plans for tomorrow night. its gonna be exhausting. he wants to go out tonight to hang with his boys. he needs sleep and i need him so i can sleep. its 10 already. he wont be home till 11-12 or later. thats not good. and he is taking the truck, which has only been on the road for a day. it doesnt...
life is moving along; quite well at that; i dont think i could have planned it much better than this; i mean, money is tight right now, but thats just life; we are both working, and full time; its just that the bills seem to keep coming even when we have a day off; i finally got everything straight with the truck; i got to drive it all day today; i guess that pays off for having to pay out like a...