So, Jason and I are looking for an apartment. We plan on getting married next year, but we are still living with my dad. Regardless of the wedding bit, we still would like to move. Jason, however, does not want to get married if we are still living with my father. Its a big mess. We think we’ve found a nice apartment in Heislerville. Unforutnately, the current residents are not moving out until the middle of October. We may not find out for a while if we get the place or if we don’t get the place. I would really like it. It is in a nice area. I am just going to keep my fingers crossed! :)

Last night we laid in bed and made out. Felt so good. I love this man more than life itself.

We have never been apart more this long. Never slept im separate beds. Two years of this man everyday isnt enough. I feel like a part of me is missing. I just want him home to hold me through this storm. I can occupy my mind, but only for so long. There comes a time when all is quiet and all I think about is him. I miss him.

There is so much that has been going on. It is unreal. I want to post something on a daily basis, but I cannot seem to get two minutes to myself. By the time I sit down, I close my eyes and pass out on the couch. I have been transferred to a different store after I was fired. It is working out great, but the drive is killing me. I drive a half hour each direction but I was promoted. I am close to finishing a summer course. After that, I have two weeks vacation from school. Its better than nothing. This next semester is going to be hell, but I will make it. I need to post something a little more structured when my brain is fully functioning.

I always listen to everyone’s fairy tale story with a happy ending. I think to myself: I’ll have that, one day. That day just isn’t coming. We got engaged because it was convenient, not because he was so madly in love with me that he wanted me as his wife. When that ring went on my finger, he was afraid to say the word marriage. He often jokes about it being a cuss word, probably because it still shakes him up. Its okay, but I want someone who is happy about what is going on and can get excited or at least listen to my wedding planning adventures without a sour face. I want to set a wedding date and have him look forward to it as much as I do. I want him to want it the way I want it. Its sad, but I don’t see this happening. There are days that I don’t even think wants me anymore. I miss the “us” we used to be. I ruined everything the first time around and the second time is too hard to handle sometimes. I am in love with him, but the fighting to prove that is killing me. I just want to love and be loved. I want the fairytale story with a happy ending. I have the engagement ring that provokes the “tell me everything…” story. There is nothing to tell. I once gave it back because I fucked up. I never got the down-on-one-knee proposal that makes a girls heart melt. I picked it up from the jewelry store when it got in from being sized and have had it on since. I am ruined, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I just want to get out of my head and away from my life. I need that happy ending or at least the beginning of the end to be somewhat happy! This isn’t the end of my rant, but I can’t take much more of myself to keep going.

This is my 300th post! Exciting stuff right here. Oddly enough, it is one of the most awesome topics: my wedding. I am so excited that I can actually say “MY wedding” so naturally. I have been doing a little wedding planning lately. I need to get ahead of things so I can let myself get lost in classes and such throughout the next 17 months. Jason and I are getting married on October 13, 2012. Just a month ago, it was exactly 18 months. Tomorrow will mark the 17 month mark. Its amazing how quickly time flies. Not to mention, I have been planning this thing for the past month on a daily basis and still have not figured out everything I need. I started an excel workbook to keep track of things. I have it all mapped out. The venue we have selected is the Centerton Country Club, which is nearby. We are able to do the reception and ceremony there. The ceremony is an additional $400 to the cost of the reception. The reception is $110 a head (roughly), plus 18% gratuity and 7% state sales tax. This seems like a lot, but they include everything - four appetizer stations, french plated dinners, the wedding cake, floral centerpieces, ice cream sundae bar, cakes and pies, open bar for 5 1/2 hours, ice sculpture, etc. We need a DJ and photographer for the reception. The ceremony I need a bit more for, but that is being worked out. I am looking to have 80 people, no more than 100. I figured, if we want to have a large celebration, maybe we should do a bbq or something the following year. I want the wedding to be a bit more intimate. I go on Friday of next week to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses. They quite possibly may both be Alfred Angelo dresses. I love the look of a few dresses. I need to see how they will fit me and then work on losing weight over the next year. I have a few target areas. Jason cant stand wedding talk every night of the week, so I have toned it down and put everything into the excel spreadsheets. It looks as though his mother and step father may kick us $5000 and my mom wants to help with another $5000. I dont know if either will come through or if Jason will let them. Either way, I am making an appointment to visit the Centerton sometime this summer so we can get a view of the place. I will make taste testing dates closer to the wedding and get an idea of their timeline. I have everything mapped out in my head. Just need a little guidance. This is also great because I have the ability to take my time, so I wont need a wedding planner. Also, I can work on school work when necessary or go to work without having to worry about missing out on something important. I am in complete control. I can start ordering things now that arent going to be personalized with our wedding date. I dont want to order hundreds of dollars worth of personalized items and have to move the date. I am excited. I will try to post something on here occasionally about the wedding plans. Maybe I can give a sneak peak at the top three dresses I chose or something to that extent. I have my wedding band picked out and my colors and all kinds of little details. Its the larger picture. Gosh, you would think I was getting married within the year. I guess its every girls dream and I’m going all out with my plans!

myworldinboxes:

accurate.

I needed to see this again today. Thanks for being in my liked posts…

I am beyond stressed. Gram in the hospital for the weekend and now rehab. Dad had a motorcycle accident this morning

I am almost caught up in my homework. Then the next step is to get ahead. I am super excited. I am one assignment away from being caught up. I feel that by the end of the week I can be ahead. I only have a shitload of assignments to catch up on. Its okay though. I CAN DO THIS!

I have been lacking motivation for two days now. Yesterday it took me til well after three o’clock in the afternoon to get up an off my ass. Today is almost a repeat. I need to get out of the house a lot earlier today, but its a struggle. I have things to do. I guess this is what its like to be on Spring Break without a job. Ha. I can do a little substituting tomorrow and Friday. I have observations on Thursday. Its crazy.

Why did the girl sit and cry all day? Because she had to file for unemployment.

I am going to keep it real… I got fired for some bullshit. I cant fight it. Its not worth it. I’m really just not welcome anymore at my job. So I am going to gracefully walk away. Unfortunately, there aren’t many jobs available in my area. So, I am forced to file for unemployment so we dont lose what we have. Cant let my pride get in the way. I am gonna have to take it for what it is. Dad is okay with this as much as possible. I haven’t let him down. He thinks there are better things to come.

I never had a grandfather. Not on my mom or dad’s side. Its okay. You cant miss something you never had. I dont know where my grandfather on my mom’s side is buried or what have you. My grandfather on my dad’s side is buried in a local cemetery. I just found his grave site last year. I was 22 when I finally started to look into these things. He wasn’t talked about much by my father and my grandmother only had such negative things to say about him. My mother talks very poorly of her father as well. As far as I am concerned, I may not have missed much not having a grandfather. The reason for this post though, is because I started to randomly think at work what I would have called my grandfather if I had one. Would I call him poppop or grandpa or pappy? I don’t know where it came from, but I am curious. I refer to my dad as poppop when I talk for my animals (aka children). Random thought of the day I suppose.

This feels like the single life. I am home alone on a Thursday night. I got done work an hour late and expected to come home to my loving man. Nope. He was still working. He didn’t get done for another half hour or better and travels forty minutes home. This is crazy seeings how I got done work a little after nine o’clock at night. He works at the shore doing construction and bullshit like that. He should be done at normal times. How does someone work in that field after dark? I am confused. So be it. I am starting to lose my mind. We have had rough patches. Is he doing drugs? Maybe he found someone else. I dont know. Something doesnt feel right. My heart hurts. Then again, it always hurts. Who am I kidding.

Lately I have been pushing the issue of marriage with Jason. Its hard to pinpoint why. I just have. I think part of it is that we have lived together forever and we co-own or possess almost everything. Also, marriage is permanent and would solidify our relationship. Its like, if we are married I can’t lose him. I was reading someones facebook status about her fiance who passed away six months ago. She was pregnant at the time and now she is a single mother. A lot of girls lose their fiances when they are pregnant, or so it seems. I want to get over this terrible feeling that I will lose him. Husband = alive, fiance = dead. There are so many bullshit reasons for pushing the issue. I just cant bring myself to accept any of them as legit. Its exciting as hell to plan this imaginary wedding, but to officially set a date seems impossible. I am pushing an issue that is heavier than an elephant or whale. Its just not budging. Now that I’ve vented, finished my homework, and realized that it is freakin late, I think it is time to go to bed. G’night.